Playlist #1

These are some of the songs we listen to when we miss each other or fight or just for the sake of it.

#1 Jet Lag - Simple Plan

#2 Long Distance - Bruno Mars

#3 Miles don't mean anything - Eye Alaska

#4 Hey there Delilah - Plain White Ts

#5 Kiss me- Sixpence none the richer

#6 You and Me- LifeHouse

#7 Here without you - 3 doors down

I am aware that some of these are unrelated but they are just as great. Share some more relatable music in the comments section below. I hope these give you the ~feels~ just like they do me.

Final Exams Weekend

THE MOST STRESSFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. So we both have finals starting and life is an insane mess of juggling everything and ending up doing nothing. I'm sure you can relate.

That's me up there.

Life as a long distancer is so difficult during finals week because it takes away a MAJOR chunk of the already limited time you have to talk. It's also overwhelming as f*ck because you literally can't focus on anything. This applies on everyone. Literally. I suck at time management. These days I usually spend all my time watching TV or on Tumblr. I've really started getting into this new tv show, " The man in the high castle". It's kind of amazing. My boyfriend actually recommended it to me and we watch it together.

QUICK TIP- Stream together, hit the play button together and then synchronize the time and watch TV as you normally would. It's the only way I've found to watch TV with him. Because we both are movie maniacs and usually like the same things, this was important to us. There is also a software to watch movies together but we prefer this method.

I find myself constantly thinking of him while I'm studying. I can see his teddy's gaze piercing right through me (I usually keep it near me). Because I am also usually wearing his jacket (It's the most comfy thing on the planet, ok?), I can also smell him. But he misses me just as much. Cause he just can't stop texting me during classes, between classes and even when he is cooking.

I can't wait for these finals to be over so I can just move on already. Correction. WE can just move on already.

The "Off Again" Phase

I wrote about how we were very on again off again for a while. During the times we broke up, or as I should put it, I broke up, I dated other people. Yes, he knows about that. It certainly caused issues between us. I stopped talking to him for a month straight, which, I still think was the lowest point in our relationship. Dating other people was very difficult cause they always thought I still had feelings for my "ex". They had a problem with me talking to him at all and that was just unacceptable for me. So, I broke it off with them or they broke it off with me. And quiet honestly, I do not blame them for it. I only blame myself.

I still have trouble sleeping some nights because the guilt just doesn't stop rolling in. I'm so fixated that I wronged him (even though he never brings it up), that I can't do anything. Sharing those moments with other men just feels so, so wrong. I am still dealing with the guilt. I do not know what to label our relationship anymore. I mean I dated two or three guys when we broke up. We were off for 5 months. What do I even make of us? 

It's a weird feeling. Everything in my life has changed but us, that is, the way we talk. We still talk about the prospective future.- Marriage, kids, all that stuff. I have so much internal conflict that I need to solve and come to peace with myself before even worrying about us. I don't know how to let go. Honestly, if he was the one who went around dating other people the day after I broke with him, I wouldn't feel half as bad. 

It's just that people are so quick to judge when it comes to these things that I just don't know who to look for for advise? I'm literally open to any advise right now. Anything helps. Really. I couldn't be the only girl in an LDR who dated other people during the "off phase". I couldn't be the only girl with insanely dark secrets buried within her soul. Or am I really alone in this?

"this fragile heart,
so heavy in my chest, it’s breaking"

         

--James Bay Scars

The first few days are the hardest

Day 1

He landed. I got a call the second he did. He seemed surprisingly happy. I tried being happy for him but instead, I got worried. Did he like his new city? His new apartment? Would he be coming back to visit me? Will he even miss me? People told me it would take a while to get acquainted to this situation but I never thought I would be capable of that. It was literally the end of the world for me. But, not for him. It was his " new start". He was doing what every young adult is supposed to do. 

I don't know what worried me more though, him cheating on me or the other way around. 

But, he was more patient than ever. He handled every mood swing, every single tear, like a pro. Well, at least for the first couple of days. Every relationship has problems they say. But the real question is, how many? What are you supposed to do when your love slowly grows into hatred? And the trust fades away? And the person who was supposed to be your best friend turns into your nemesis? What happens when you can't stand the person you used to talk to 24/7. You end it. And that's what happened. Actually, that is what kept HAPPENING. We were the on again off again couple and we hated every bit of it. 

Fast forward 9 months, we start with the fixing process. But whatever happened during those 9 months still haunts us.

Going off to college

It was around June 2015 when he told me he was applying to a school in another country and he'd be gone for four years. This was months in prior because he were to leave in September if he actually did get in. It hit me hard. Fighting became an everyday thing. We would fight for hours on straight and then cry and make up cause we were so short on time and din't wanna waste it. We started meeting up more often. We tried to make every moment perfect but we failed. It was too much to handle after four years of being together. I was devastated. I never anticipated that anything could affect us, because we had been through so much and this should have been a piece of cake. But, quiet honestly, I did hate him for leaving. But I couldn't create a wedge between him and his dreams by making him choose. The thought did come to me every now and then, that maybe I shouldn't let him go. Maybe I should make him stay. Maybe it was because I knew I couldn't take it and I would break it off, or maybe because I just wasn't strong enough to have him be 4,280 miles away from me.

Either way, September did come and he did leave. When I saw him the last time, he cried for the very first time in front of me. He was just always the strong one but this time, I had to be strong. I did it. I was strong for him. I let him leave. But not before giving him tiny little notes stuffed inside some college supplies.

We promised each other we wouldn't cheat and we would talk to each other for atleast a couple of hours and sleep together and all the other cliched shit people promise each other before leaving. He got on a plane the next morning and just left. I didn't even go to the airport.

How it all started

I was in fourth grade when my family decided to go on a vacation with some friends to celebrate New Year. That's when I met him. The guy who would go on to be my best friend and later the love of my life. We were just kids when we started talking but the chemistry was apparent to everyone around us. We would talk 24/7 and it was like there was no one else in the world but us. It was like a fairytale for a fourth grader. Our families got really close and so did we. This is when social networking was not that big of a thing. So when I did get back home, I had no way to contact him. But little did I know, we would meet again soon. It's when our families went to Europe together when we really fell in love. I can't exactly recall what our first destination was, but we covered Paris (obviously) and Switzerland. I remember this one time when our parents forgot me in a public bathroom and when I came out, I was on the verge of crying. I saw him climbing up the hill to come get me, The second I saw him, I sighed with relief. I was with him at Disneyland and we were just kids who enjoyed each other's company so much that the whole world felt left out.
I finally got his number and his Facebook and we started talking everyday. Our conversations were endless. I'd wake up my laptop the second I got home just to talk to him. We were best friends before we knew it. He was my ally. We had so much in common, music and gaming and raging teen hormones. He was perfect and possessive, just the way I liked it. We started dating when I got to seventh grade. He was the best boyfriend ever, until..

.