The "Off Again" Phase

I wrote about how we were very on again off again for a while. During the times we broke up, or as I should put it, I broke up, I dated other people. Yes, he knows about that. It certainly caused issues between us. I stopped talking to him for a month straight, which, I still think was the lowest point in our relationship. Dating other people was very difficult cause they always thought I still had feelings for my "ex". They had a problem with me talking to him at all and that was just unacceptable for me. So, I broke it off with them or they broke it off with me. And quiet honestly, I do not blame them for it. I only blame myself.

I still have trouble sleeping some nights because the guilt just doesn't stop rolling in. I'm so fixated that I wronged him (even though he never brings it up), that I can't do anything. Sharing those moments with other men just feels so, so wrong. I am still dealing with the guilt. I do not know what to label our relationship anymore. I mean I dated two or three guys when we broke up. We were off for 5 months. What do I even make of us? 

It's a weird feeling. Everything in my life has changed but us, that is, the way we talk. We still talk about the prospective future.- Marriage, kids, all that stuff. I have so much internal conflict that I need to solve and come to peace with myself before even worrying about us. I don't know how to let go. Honestly, if he was the one who went around dating other people the day after I broke with him, I wouldn't feel half as bad. 

It's just that people are so quick to judge when it comes to these things that I just don't know who to look for for advise? I'm literally open to any advise right now. Anything helps. Really. I couldn't be the only girl in an LDR who dated other people during the "off phase". I couldn't be the only girl with insanely dark secrets buried within her soul. Or am I really alone in this?

"this fragile heart,
so heavy in my chest, it’s breaking"

         

--James Bay Scars