The first day of summer

I am obsessed with the sun. The meaning of my name is literally, and I quote, the redness in the sky because of the first ray of the sun. When I feel the summer sun on my skin, I can feel every particle in my body coming to life. It's like my soul is finally awake from a long period of hibernation. Winters make me gloomy. But, winters are important too, that is when we met. But I somehow still relate winters to tears and heavy comforters and tea. I drink way too much tea for a 17 year old.

With March starting out, it's all about ice cold water and soda and root beer. I wore my first shorts of the year today. They fit as perfectly as they did last year, which is a good sign. It feels like 2016 is going to be a good year, the best year of my life, maybe. It's the last year of school for me and everything will change when I go to college. It's the year of surprises. Anything can happen. It could be bad or good from now on. Whatever it may be, I need to stay strong and work hard. I might have an AP to give and my ACT is in June. It's difficult to deal with stress but it helps having him around.

He motivates me more than Shia LeBouf ever could. There is an authority in his voice that is laced with affection, a hard quality to find in a man. He can get me to stop procrastinating in a split second and put me to work in another. I almost never say no to him. I do argue, yes, but it doesn't last too long. Sometimes I ask myself, what did I do to deserve someone so perfect? Nothing. That is always the answer. 

My year does not start in January like normal people, it starts when I get my first soft tan, the little drop of sweat rolling down my brow, when I just have to kick my blanket away and put on that pair of shorts and flip flops. The first day of summer is when my year starts. 

So like any other new start, I set my goals. This year, it's to stop thinking ahead and just spend my time focusing on the moment, the present. The past is over and the future is too uncertain to make any predictions yet. Everything depends on an infinite chain of catalysts working in my favor. 

So I hope you all have a wonderful summer. Stay Happy. x

Counting down the days

There is nothing more satisfying than to find out your significant other will be seeing you after 6 whole months. I got the news two days ago that he will be coming back for the summer break for three months. The first thing I did? Started planning how to perfectly utilize each and every second of our time together. I figured we would meet almost every day at our usual spots and also some of the new places that I wanted to try out. It is always best to write down all that is expected from the limited time we have to spend together.  I decided I wanted to give him a lot of pending gifts, his valentine's day present, for example.

I have a tiny inventory where I store all the things I have yet to give him- things I bought for him and things I made for him. This time I'm going to be giving him a chocolate cake mix and the "Open when " letters. He has a similar inventory at his place where he keeps everything he will be giving me.

There are still three more months till he gets here and I cannot put into words how much I miss him. I'm excited that he will be here with me and everything will be normal for a while. My life will be okay again. Everything will be in place and I will be ecstatic. But, it does not change the fact that he will have to leave, again. And that pain is hard to bear. It's the most difficult thing I have to do, and that too, over and over again, I cannot keep letting him go. It breaks me down into pieces to just imagine him driving to the airport with his parents while he texts me goodbye and how amazing it was to see me again. It's like a never ending cycle.

I am not good at dealing with my feelings. I go numb if I'm hurting too much. I do unthinkable things that I know I will regret later. I start new routines, workout plans, new projects that I never go through with. I stay in bed all day and watch "How to get away with murder" or "Orange is the new Black". I game, I cook , I distract myself with endless things. But, it never gets to the root of the problem. The distractions help keep my spirits up for a while, but they make me bottle up my feelings and then when I can't take anymore, I explode. Because of my stupidity, he is the one who always has to pick up my pieces and glue them back together. I owe him for it, I owe him for all that he does for me. But, it's not worth anything if I don't stop being such a baby and deal with things when they are supposed to be dealt with instead of postponing every appointment that I have in my life.