The first day of summer

I am obsessed with the sun. The meaning of my name is literally, and I quote, the redness in the sky because of the first ray of the sun. When I feel the summer sun on my skin, I can feel every particle in my body coming to life. It's like my soul is finally awake from a long period of hibernation. Winters make me gloomy. But, winters are important too, that is when we met. But I somehow still relate winters to tears and heavy comforters and tea. I drink way too much tea for a 17 year old.

With March starting out, it's all about ice cold water and soda and root beer. I wore my first shorts of the year today. They fit as perfectly as they did last year, which is a good sign. It feels like 2016 is going to be a good year, the best year of my life, maybe. It's the last year of school for me and everything will change when I go to college. It's the year of surprises. Anything can happen. It could be bad or good from now on. Whatever it may be, I need to stay strong and work hard. I might have an AP to give and my ACT is in June. It's difficult to deal with stress but it helps having him around.

He motivates me more than Shia LeBouf ever could. There is an authority in his voice that is laced with affection, a hard quality to find in a man. He can get me to stop procrastinating in a split second and put me to work in another. I almost never say no to him. I do argue, yes, but it doesn't last too long. Sometimes I ask myself, what did I do to deserve someone so perfect? Nothing. That is always the answer. 

My year does not start in January like normal people, it starts when I get my first soft tan, the little drop of sweat rolling down my brow, when I just have to kick my blanket away and put on that pair of shorts and flip flops. The first day of summer is when my year starts. 

So like any other new start, I set my goals. This year, it's to stop thinking ahead and just spend my time focusing on the moment, the present. The past is over and the future is too uncertain to make any predictions yet. Everything depends on an infinite chain of catalysts working in my favor. 

So I hope you all have a wonderful summer. Stay Happy. x

Counting down the days

There is nothing more satisfying than to find out your significant other will be seeing you after 6 whole months. I got the news two days ago that he will be coming back for the summer break for three months. The first thing I did? Started planning how to perfectly utilize each and every second of our time together. I figured we would meet almost every day at our usual spots and also some of the new places that I wanted to try out. It is always best to write down all that is expected from the limited time we have to spend together.  I decided I wanted to give him a lot of pending gifts, his valentine's day present, for example.

I have a tiny inventory where I store all the things I have yet to give him- things I bought for him and things I made for him. This time I'm going to be giving him a chocolate cake mix and the "Open when " letters. He has a similar inventory at his place where he keeps everything he will be giving me.

There are still three more months till he gets here and I cannot put into words how much I miss him. I'm excited that he will be here with me and everything will be normal for a while. My life will be okay again. Everything will be in place and I will be ecstatic. But, it does not change the fact that he will have to leave, again. And that pain is hard to bear. It's the most difficult thing I have to do, and that too, over and over again, I cannot keep letting him go. It breaks me down into pieces to just imagine him driving to the airport with his parents while he texts me goodbye and how amazing it was to see me again. It's like a never ending cycle.

I am not good at dealing with my feelings. I go numb if I'm hurting too much. I do unthinkable things that I know I will regret later. I start new routines, workout plans, new projects that I never go through with. I stay in bed all day and watch "How to get away with murder" or "Orange is the new Black". I game, I cook , I distract myself with endless things. But, it never gets to the root of the problem. The distractions help keep my spirits up for a while, but they make me bottle up my feelings and then when I can't take anymore, I explode. Because of my stupidity, he is the one who always has to pick up my pieces and glue them back together. I owe him for it, I owe him for all that he does for me. But, it's not worth anything if I don't stop being such a baby and deal with things when they are supposed to be dealt with instead of postponing every appointment that I have in my life.

Playlist #1

These are some of the songs we listen to when we miss each other or fight or just for the sake of it.

#1 Jet Lag - Simple Plan

#2 Long Distance - Bruno Mars

#3 Miles don't mean anything - Eye Alaska

#4 Hey there Delilah - Plain White Ts

#5 Kiss me- Sixpence none the richer

#6 You and Me- LifeHouse

#7 Here without you - 3 doors down

I am aware that some of these are unrelated but they are just as great. Share some more relatable music in the comments section below. I hope these give you the ~feels~ just like they do me.

Final Exams Weekend

THE MOST STRESSFUL TIME OF THE YEAR. So we both have finals starting and life is an insane mess of juggling everything and ending up doing nothing. I'm sure you can relate.

That's me up there.

Life as a long distancer is so difficult during finals week because it takes away a MAJOR chunk of the already limited time you have to talk. It's also overwhelming as f*ck because you literally can't focus on anything. This applies on everyone. Literally. I suck at time management. These days I usually spend all my time watching TV or on Tumblr. I've really started getting into this new tv show, " The man in the high castle". It's kind of amazing. My boyfriend actually recommended it to me and we watch it together.

QUICK TIP- Stream together, hit the play button together and then synchronize the time and watch TV as you normally would. It's the only way I've found to watch TV with him. Because we both are movie maniacs and usually like the same things, this was important to us. There is also a software to watch movies together but we prefer this method.

I find myself constantly thinking of him while I'm studying. I can see his teddy's gaze piercing right through me (I usually keep it near me). Because I am also usually wearing his jacket (It's the most comfy thing on the planet, ok?), I can also smell him. But he misses me just as much. Cause he just can't stop texting me during classes, between classes and even when he is cooking.

I can't wait for these finals to be over so I can just move on already. Correction. WE can just move on already.

The "Off Again" Phase

I wrote about how we were very on again off again for a while. During the times we broke up, or as I should put it, I broke up, I dated other people. Yes, he knows about that. It certainly caused issues between us. I stopped talking to him for a month straight, which, I still think was the lowest point in our relationship. Dating other people was very difficult cause they always thought I still had feelings for my "ex". They had a problem with me talking to him at all and that was just unacceptable for me. So, I broke it off with them or they broke it off with me. And quiet honestly, I do not blame them for it. I only blame myself.

I still have trouble sleeping some nights because the guilt just doesn't stop rolling in. I'm so fixated that I wronged him (even though he never brings it up), that I can't do anything. Sharing those moments with other men just feels so, so wrong. I am still dealing with the guilt. I do not know what to label our relationship anymore. I mean I dated two or three guys when we broke up. We were off for 5 months. What do I even make of us? 

It's a weird feeling. Everything in my life has changed but us, that is, the way we talk. We still talk about the prospective future.- Marriage, kids, all that stuff. I have so much internal conflict that I need to solve and come to peace with myself before even worrying about us. I don't know how to let go. Honestly, if he was the one who went around dating other people the day after I broke with him, I wouldn't feel half as bad. 

It's just that people are so quick to judge when it comes to these things that I just don't know who to look for for advise? I'm literally open to any advise right now. Anything helps. Really. I couldn't be the only girl in an LDR who dated other people during the "off phase". I couldn't be the only girl with insanely dark secrets buried within her soul. Or am I really alone in this?

"this fragile heart,
so heavy in my chest, it’s breaking"

         

--James Bay Scars

The first few days are the hardest

Day 1

He landed. I got a call the second he did. He seemed surprisingly happy. I tried being happy for him but instead, I got worried. Did he like his new city? His new apartment? Would he be coming back to visit me? Will he even miss me? People told me it would take a while to get acquainted to this situation but I never thought I would be capable of that. It was literally the end of the world for me. But, not for him. It was his " new start". He was doing what every young adult is supposed to do. 

I don't know what worried me more though, him cheating on me or the other way around. 

But, he was more patient than ever. He handled every mood swing, every single tear, like a pro. Well, at least for the first couple of days. Every relationship has problems they say. But the real question is, how many? What are you supposed to do when your love slowly grows into hatred? And the trust fades away? And the person who was supposed to be your best friend turns into your nemesis? What happens when you can't stand the person you used to talk to 24/7. You end it. And that's what happened. Actually, that is what kept HAPPENING. We were the on again off again couple and we hated every bit of it. 

Fast forward 9 months, we start with the fixing process. But whatever happened during those 9 months still haunts us.

Going off to college

It was around June 2015 when he told me he was applying to a school in another country and he'd be gone for four years. This was months in prior because he were to leave in September if he actually did get in. It hit me hard. Fighting became an everyday thing. We would fight for hours on straight and then cry and make up cause we were so short on time and din't wanna waste it. We started meeting up more often. We tried to make every moment perfect but we failed. It was too much to handle after four years of being together. I was devastated. I never anticipated that anything could affect us, because we had been through so much and this should have been a piece of cake. But, quiet honestly, I did hate him for leaving. But I couldn't create a wedge between him and his dreams by making him choose. The thought did come to me every now and then, that maybe I shouldn't let him go. Maybe I should make him stay. Maybe it was because I knew I couldn't take it and I would break it off, or maybe because I just wasn't strong enough to have him be 4,280 miles away from me.

Either way, September did come and he did leave. When I saw him the last time, he cried for the very first time in front of me. He was just always the strong one but this time, I had to be strong. I did it. I was strong for him. I let him leave. But not before giving him tiny little notes stuffed inside some college supplies.

We promised each other we wouldn't cheat and we would talk to each other for atleast a couple of hours and sleep together and all the other cliched shit people promise each other before leaving. He got on a plane the next morning and just left. I didn't even go to the airport.